judy bloom gets famous

and joe cundiff breaksdown.
sort of....

normally i tag myself as a pretty honest person.
and i'll be honest here.
i might be on the verge of a slight breakdown.
maybe a quarter-life crisis.

the much loved and well-known kevin o'kelley said he was keeping up with me via blog.
and he asked if everything was really okay.
i guess in the last couple of posts i've left traces of instabilty. oops.
i told him everything was good. great. grand.
probalby not very honest of me.

in actuality, my status might be a little different.
well, it probably differs drastically.
work is cool.
kids are fine.
living in korea is awesome.
sure, i get a lonely every now and then, as i've previously mentioned.
but who doesn't?

as promised, my report on payday: weak.
my cash card wouldn't work and neither would my passbook.
so i spent most of the long weekend sans money and isolated in my apartment.
which gave me a pretty fair amount of time to think.
and figure out what this unknown feeling inside me really is.

the envelope please....
lack of direction.

i think that's the best way to put it.
and i mean it on the large scale.
i feel my life has little direction.
all my life i've been told what to do.
but how i do it is up to me.
and by all that i mean i've been told to go to school.
i choose the school (sometimes).
i choose the classes.
i chose the extracurriculars.

now, nobody has told me to do anything.
i guess i should be grateful for this complete freedom.
though, admittedly, i'm not completely free since i'm in mega-debt thanks to student loans.

the rough part is that i feel lack creativity.
i've felt this way for a few years now.
i guess after i fell out of playing music.
maybe one fed into the other.

and there's so much more room with which to work in the real world.
it's not choosing a school and classes and extracurriculars.
it's choose a life.

sometimes the daily life is a little too miniscule.
i don't think the daily grind is too monotonous.
don't read me wrong here.
just maybe lacking large amounts of meaning or significance.
but i guess i must have faith the little days summate to greater things.

the shadow of the future calms my nerves.
i remind myself i'm only 22.
i'm a capable, intelligent, driven, young man.
the world is my oyster, right?
right?

i guess it's just another one of those things with which i'll cope on my own.
scratch that.
not on my own.
but with the help and guidance of a greater power.

i've got a lot of reading and talking and praying to do.
and it's all concerned with one person.
can i say 'person?'
maybe i'll just say 'the trinity.'

lots of love,

jo